Sonam Mahatme Discusses the Challenges of Being a South Asian Queer Person in Australia.

I first met Sonam on a Zoom call in her role on the Board of the Aurora Group, an LGBTQIA+ community-led funding organisation. She impressed me as a calm, erudite, efficient person, with strong, broad and clear views on the topics under discussion.

After that meeting I realised with surprise that Sonam was the first openly queer South Asian woman that I had met in nearly 20 years of living in Australia, and despite consistent interaction with the community. In my experience there’s a smidgen more acceptance of queer men, but queer women? It would take some courage to come out as a queer woman!

Interestingly, Sonam encountered queer people of South Asian origin only when she moved to Melbourne recently, spotlighting a real issue that exists with people being forced to be discreet and hide who they really are - yet another indication of the level of discretion that’s maintained for too many unnecessary reasons.

Sonam and I connected to create a podcast that calls out to the creative community of writers, poets, musicians and performing arts practitioners to use their skills in seeking and promoting South Asian stories from the LGBTQIA+ community, that would showcase issues and possibly change mindsets.

But we figured out that there’s still so much more to do in this space, to address shame, stigma, superstition, traditional beliefs, cultural norms, misinformation, conservative mindsets and homophobia in the South Asian community. 

In this candid chat we talked about Sonam’s views on her identity, the challenges queer South Asians face and her vision to encourage greater understanding, acceptance and support for the LGBTQIA+ community among South Asians.

Clarity On Coming Out

Sonam’s coming out was a non-dramatic event with a good friend, more of a realisation of her sexuality and a comfortable segue into understanding and accepting her identity. The hard part was everyone else, from family to friends. 

“When I told my mum, she wasn’t thrilled,”  says Sonam. “I totally understand her concerns now, because for South Asians, the world works in a specific way. As a woman, the expectation is to marry and have a family.”

“There is some sense of judgement from family in India that we were moving away from our tradition and culture or that we had been corrupted by Western ideologies. I felt this judgement tenfold when I came to terms with my sexuality.”

Sonam adds, “It took a long time to come out to extended family and everyone else because of the fear of gossip which leads to feelings of isolation, shame and guilt for letting the family down…it was hard. The notions of culture and honouring one’s family are ingrained in us from such a young age. Being a migrant and having no one else in the country but your immediate family at first, there’s a huge fear of being cut off from everyone you know.”

Friendships and Relationships

As a queer South Asian, making friends and bonding even within the mainstream LGBTQIA+ community proved to be difficult. “I had a feeling of being different, not quite fitting in. There was a bit of a feeling of distance, even with good friends. Perhaps it had to do with there being so few South Asians who are openly out,” says Sonam. “Fortunately for me, my relationships have always been supportive, open and comfortable, but I still felt it was difficult to connect with some people.”

Other South Asians who are queer have also admitted to a sense of isolation and at best, a kind of reluctant acceptance within Australia’s LGBTQIA+ community. “There are certain moulds you have to fit even if you’re queer,” says Sonam. “If you’re South Asian, you may not know how to conform to these and mainstream queer communities have little understanding about the challenges faced by us. South Asian identities can be rooted in a highly ingrained sense of our culture, tradition and even sometimes religion, making it harder to assimilate especially if you feel unwelcome.” 

“Being queer is just who we are, that’s our shared journey and acceptance should be at all levels, within the straight, queer and culturally diverse communities in Australia.”

Guilt Around Happiness

Denying one’s identity can lead to a whole range of mental health challenges and simply accepting that you are queer can be pretty confronting, especially when a person has been raised within a strongly cultural and traditional setting where convention is the norm. 

“Creating the understanding that being queer is not something you can choose and not something to be ashamed of – that queer people can lead healthy, productive and meaningful lives is critical,” says Sonam. “We are indoctrinated with shame and stigma that society associates with being queer, and this influences poor health and wellbeing outcomes within the LGBTQ+ community. This is often even more of a burden for those who do not even feel safe to come out for fear of being ostracised, or in some cases, in danger, from their community.”

“There’s a feeling that you’re doing something wrong and disappointing by not conforming to this strict idea of tradition. There’s a feeling of guilt around your happiness and it can add yet another layer of stress,” says Sonam.

Living within this bubble of denial often leads to poor mental health, marriage breakdowns, toxic relationships, alcohol or substance abuse, domestic and family violence and a whole raft of other complexities.

Being Who You Are

Most journeys of discovery within the human experience begin with realisation and honesty. Knowing who you are and accepting yourself can be a relief and can help equip yourself against what may be an isolating revelation of being queer. You can build support networks around yourself and be who you are without fear or judgement. 

“The more you accept yourself, the easier it can feel to reach out to community and networks,” says Sonam. “And conversely, interaction and engagement with the community and others in a similar situation can provide the encouragement and support you need to get closer to that place of self-acceptance. One feeds the other, and both are important.”

She asserts that change will happen through awareness and education, but it will take time and we have to persevere.

Pursuing Positive Change 

Sonam works for a not-for-profit with a focus on improving gender equality issues in workplaces both in Australia and globally. She started her career as a lawyer and has used her experience and expertise to advocate for positive change, to make a difference. She strongly feels that awareness, education, empathy and action are key to changing mindsets. 

For South Asian queer people Sonam says, be honest with yourself. It’s important to stop feeling guilt around one’s happiness and to not conform to strict ideas of tradition that stand in the way of people being who they are. 

“For the wider community, normalising LGBTQIA+ perspectives and people can really help those that are struggling with their own identity. Starting dialogues that destroy the stigma and  belief systems that perpetuate this, questioning traditional thought and building acceptance on a wider platform would provide a safer space for the queer community to live their lives. Community can be comfort, and it shouldn’t let you down,” she says.

Beyond this, Sonam feels that storytelling is a great channel to reach people and bring about change. “It’s really important that more stories are told through various creative forms - writing, art, song, dance, theatre are just a few channels. Conveying the realities of the South Asian queer community with its myriad struggles, challenges and achievements can have widespread positive impacts. People can be empathetic, so showcasing stories and making them accessible to everyone in the community can even help queer people who are feeling isolated or ashamed to start accepting themselves, and can help straight people understand and accept queer people for who they are without shame or stigma.”

The road ahead is long and winding, but at least the journey’s begun. Perseverance is key, Sonam feels. “I’m lucky enough to, now, have a supportive and loving family. Even if all of my extended family and community don’t completely understand or accept it, I still get to live my truth and love who I love. Others aren’t so lucky.” 

Sonam’s right, of course. Our community needs to be a safe space for everyone, including people who present as LGBTQIA+. 

In today’s world we’re constantly reminded to be kind, so it’s time to extend that kindness to the rest of humanity, beginning with the ones closest to us within the South Asian queer community. 

For more support, information and celebration, please visit Trikone, Sydney-based non-profit support group for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex and queer (LGBTIQ+) people of South Asian descent.

Images sourced from Trikone Australia's colourful float at the 44th Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Parade 2022. Robert Knapman Photography.

Sheryl Fernandes Dixit is a marketing professional with a passion and flair for writing. People, animals, absurdity and humour are her forte and she enjoys creating stories from memories and life.