Dear Awakened Aunty, 

How do I explore my sexuality before I know if I’m queer or have a different preference?

- Curious Quester

Dear Beta,

You know one of the biggest regrets of my life? I’ve never tried any hot drink outside of Masala Chai. Never. Not even that one time I was in Japan with my daughter and they offered me one of those green drinks. Matcha, you call it? It’s made for a boring, same, same life.

The beauty of being young is exploring. It’s working out what masala’s you like in your spice mix. Some people like paprika, others, fenugreek. I prefer cinnamon. For you, it could be something different, it’ll depend on your taste buds.

When it comes to sexuality, our community is quite backward. Most South Asian families and communities don’t like sexuality talk. 

Too awkward. 

Too much taboo.

So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed or frightened by your curiosity, it’s okay. It’s also entirely understandable that you might not want to share your masala tasting expedition with family or anyone in the community. It’s your tasting and you have the right to keep it to yourself for as long as you want. 

A good place to start is by giving yourself permission and time to figure out what masalas you like. Meeting other queer people might help you feel more comfortable with this. This one time, I went out dancing and I met this man who loved another man. He mentioned something you might find helpful - A social-support organisation for LGBTIQ+ people of South Asian descent in Australia. It’s called Trikone? Google it. Organisations like this might be a good support network for you. 

One important thing, beta, please don’t feel like your feelings are something you have to fix or get rid of. It might feel like it’s easier, especially when people pass judgment or make snide comments. When I went through my divorce, I found hiding only made me feel more trapped and isolated.

I am not saying your journey will be easy, beta. 

You might ask “God, why me? Why do I have to be so different?”. 

Your chest might tighten, your stomach might turn circles like a washing machine at high speed and you might want to keep your head low, to not look anyone in the eye. This is called shame, beta. While you might feel guilty when you finally figure out what flavour of masala you like, don’t let it become your shame. 

You are not to blame. 

You can only be who you are, beta.

There is an abundance of love and acceptance out there, beta - You’re not alone, you have me, and anyone who you feel safe reaching out to.

-Aunty 

Trikone Australia is a non-profit, volunteer-led social-support organisation for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex and queer (LGBTIQ+) people of South Asian descent living in Australia.

Awakened Aunty is SAARI's Advice Columnist. Written by a real person, with all the wit and relatable wisdom of the Aunty you wished you always had.