Photo by William Fortunato: https://www.pexels.com/photo/mother-and-baby-sleeping-together-6392892/

Co-sleeping, or sharing a bed with your baby or toddler, is a common practice in many cultures, including South Asian communities. While it offers comfort and bonding opportunities, the emotional and physical journey of a mother during this process is often overlooked.

It's a tradition that has been running in my family too. Evidently, it is part of our culture as well; in many cultures the baby sleeps only with the mother and the father is expected to sleep in a separate room.

As I was researching various options and talking to my circle of people, I learnt everyone had different opinions on co-sleeping. My mother suggested placing the baby between us, while my friend recommended a co-sleeping bassinet that gets attached to your bed. 

When I migrated to Australia, the culture was very different. I actually liked the concept of putting your child in a separate cot. 

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was so sure that I would let her sleep in the baby cot first. Then, once she was ready, I would move her to another room.

Current scenario: This just happened last week, at 2.30am on a Monday. My son started crying in the middle of the night. When I took him in my arms to calm him, my daughter, who is older, woke up wanting cuddles at the same time. This is what co-sleeping with two looks like in a nutshell.

Let’s roll back to how it all changed.

The Beginning of the Journey

The exhaustion from childbirth was still heavy, but the joy of having my little one close by outweighed it all. My husband and I were thrilled; it was starting to sink in that our lives had changed forever.

It was a quiet night when I first brought my newborn daughter home. She was so tiny and warm, her gentle breaths filling the room. I couldn't bear the thought of her sleeping alone in her crib.

Photo by William Fortunato: https://www.pexels.com/photo/mother-and-baby-sleeping-together-6392892/

Life totally takes a new turn when you become parents. It feels so magical to hold a newborn and just enjoy how they sleep. It was hard to imagine putting her into a baby cot. 

When I took her in my arms, she felt absolutely safe and slept so peacefully. Her warmth was so beautiful, and I was cherishing every second of it. It was a moment filled with tiredness, insomnia, love and pure bliss. Honestly, I wasn’t ready.

But we still went along the process of rocking the baby to settle and follow the cues. Once she was almost ready to doze off, we would silently tuck her in the cosy cot and sing a lullaby. Then, slowly let her sleep on her own.

It was nice for a while, and we thought we almost succeeded. But life had a new twist waiting!

The Choice

Being brought up in a community where co-sleeping was the only option, I decided to explore the option of not co-sleeping. Although I didn’t get much support from my parents and in-laws on this choice, they at least didn’t get in my way.

Feeding on demand took a toll on my sleep routine. It started getting difficult to wake up and feed the baby and again put her to bed. My husband was desperate to help and support me, but his work routine made him travel so often that he was away most of the time. Since my daughter had developed the habit of feeding to sleep, she only chose to sleep when I breastfeed her. 

Every time she woke up in her sleep, I had to pick her from the baby cot and feed her then again put her back in the cot. Constantly doing this was a real challenge. Especially during growth spurt days or teething times, her dependency on me feeding her to sleep became more regular. I started having back pain; my arms would hurt as well. I was on the verge of becoming an insomniac.

I call this ‘zombie mode’ because that’s literally how I felt after waking up so many times at night. At one point, it was hard to go back to sleep, so all I did was stare at the wall sometimes. Friends suggested watching reels or doing online shopping during this time, but I could barely look at my phone. I kept checking the time asI waited for dawn. As soon as my mom woke up in the morning, I would simply handover my child to her and go back to sleep.

It was time to make a choice – whether to co-sleep or become a zombie. I chose not to be a zombie.

The Co-sleeping journey

The initial days were incredibly challenging. Always waking up to feed and change sides for breastfeeding was hard. I longed to get some rest, but every time I closed my eyes, I was on high alert for any sign of discomfort from my little one. Though co-sleeping didn’t really solve the purpose initially, it gave me a break from getting out of the bed to feed the little one.

I felt so different from the confident mother-to-be I was before. It was as if I was transitioning into a new version of myself amidst the overwhelming fatigue and joy.

A study by the Australian Breastfeeding Association found that around 75% of babies spend at least some time co-sleeping in the first three to six months of their life.

Co-sleeping comes with its own pros and cons, but nobody had prepared me for the difficulties. Sleepless nights, constant worries about safety, and the struggle to find a comfortable sleeping position made the initial days extremely stressful.

Photo by William Fortunato: https://www.pexels.com/photo/mother-and-baby-sleeping-together-6392892/

I researched the most comfortable positions for feeding that let me sleep after I had fed the baby. I tried out a few and found that the supine position suited me well. It helped me to get my sleep back without waking up every time to feed. 

The only worry that kept troubling me was the risk of SIDS. 

We can all train our brains to a routine. I was always conscious when my daughter slept beside me, and it trained my mind. I used to wake up every now and then to check on her, especially more during winters when we were tucked into comfy blankets from head to toe. I became a light sleeper in this whole process. 

It got difficult once my daughter was around seven months. She would still wake four to five times at night to be breastfed. I realised that she was having trouble soothing herself. So, I reached out to the Maternal and Child Help line for some support. They gave me some tips over the call to try out initially such as - creating a sleep routine, feeding the baby before taking her to the bedroom, slowly rocking her and put her in the cot once she showed signs of sleep and then controlled cry method while she was in the cot The MCH nurse also suggested that I attend their sleep and settle sessions to get some support and strategies to follow.

The classes were great, but didn’t really work for my child. Maybe it was hard for me to be consistent with the routine as I sometimes work for different time zones. It becomes a challenge to manage a global business with younger kids.

Double trouble

With the arrival of the second child, we were more experienced now. This time, I had more responsibilities and less time to focus on the transition. 

We thought we would simply put this little guy into the baby cot from day one. Most importantly, I decided not to breastfeed him to sleep. Instead, I would rock him and let him self soothe and find his way to sleep. This decision helped me take care of my health and get back to work early. I was back in business when my second little one turned three months old.

We introduced him to bottle feed along with breastfeeding. This made him more comfortable with sleeping with other family members if me or my husband were away. He just wanted to be rocked for a while, and then he was good to sleep in the cot. 

Slowly, he started to become aware of his surroundings and noticed his sister was sleeping with us while he was in the cot. He started crying so much and refused to sleep in the baby cot. He would not settle in the cot at all. Things started getting worse; he used to cry continuously for hours. He would fall sick occasionally,  and the loud cry made my elder one wake up from her sleep.

This led us co-sleeping again.

Photo by William Fortunato: https://www.pexels.com/photo/mother-and-baby-sleeping-together-6392892/

The initial plan was to put the second child in a cot and transition the older one into her own bed. But things took a turn. 

One day, she started crying a lot and throwing a tantrum at us for something petty. We couldn’t figure out what it was until I carried her in my arms and started caressing her like I did for her baby brother. She told me she didn’t like her brother because he gets to sleep with us. That conversation made me rethink our plan. So now, all four of us co-sleep in the same bed.

I enjoy co-sleeping with my kids. It’s the family time before bedtime which we really cherish. My olderone shares stories about her day and things thathappened at her school, and we tell them about our day. This is the time of the day we all look forward to!

Through all of this I have learned that it doesn’t matter if things don’t go as planned. There might be something good to be gained with whatever happens - all you have to do is accept it.

Srividhya Venkatesan is a Mompreneur, Co-founder & CEO, and a parenting writer with SAARI Collective. She has co-authored three children’s books and is passionate about the arts, books and nature. She also paints in her spare time.