Image by Pexels from Pixabay

For too long now, some things have been left unspoken. 

Seldom do I hear people in the South Asian community talk openly about their confusion, dilemma, or decision to have or not have children. 

I have heard casual conversations within the circles of my Caucasian friends, from women who have chosen to not have children. I always respected how confidently and openly they spoke about this topic. 

It got me thinking: why aren’t women of South Asian descent doing the same? It’s time these women join in the conversation and it’s time these conversations are normalised for them. 

Whilst a shift is occurring towards women’s personal choices within the South Asian community and diaspora, some things are still being left unspoken.

I sat down with three South Asian women to have a chat.

Being on the fence, a battle within – in conversation with Tara

Tara* has a successful career in energy consulting, enjoys travelling, time in nature and has a love for music.

What made you realise that you were unsure about having children?

“I've had my own issues with my parents – the immigrant struggles and obviously my relationship with my mother hasn't been very smooth. When I started dabbling into therapy during university, I realised what a big mother wound I had. That's probably where I had a lot of sense of disgust about being a mother. 

I felt I had a lot of stuff to sort out. How can I possibly even help another person, a child, go through life like that?

I also felt that my childhood was taken away because I had to step into a parental role at a very young age for my brother. So I lost a lot of the [time to be a child]. Now I'm an adult, and I'm starting to really explore who I am. I feel, can I give this [time] to another person as well?”

What are some of the emotions that have come up on this journey?

“I feel this guilt – what is my moral obligation to the planet?

Then there's guilt from the fact that I am being selfish if I do not choose to have kids. My mum’s perspective was that I'm choosing my career and other things in my life.

On the other hand, sometimes when I hang out with friends who've got kids and I see their bond, I feel it'd be so special and so sacred. It's so nice to experience that; it's a form of healing in itself. 

So sometimes I feel I'm missing out a bit as well by stalling.”

Where are you at now?

“I think the battle for me is I love kids, and I would love to be around them. Now I'm older and I have to think about that one day soon. I can't just sit on it for another four or five years. 

If I was able to wave a magic wand and say, okay, nothing's going to go wrong and you can have kids at 40 comfortably without risks, I think I would have had kids later, maybe in decades’ time.

Ultimately, there's pressure for women to make a decision and stick to it.”

Photo by Karen Cantú Q on Unsplash

A decision, something that I’ve come to understand - in conversation with Mayana

Mayana* works as a psychologist, loves gardening, artsy things, cooking, travelling and dancing.

When did you realise having children was not for you?

“This is something that I've come to understand, especially over the last two or so years. For a while I've been on the fence, I was considering children, but then considering adoption as well, because I was going back and forth between [whether] I want to have kids or not have kids or do I want kids to be biological kids.

One was when I started seeing my own psychologist. And I think through those discussions and conversations, I realised having children isn't really for me.

The second thing is seeing my best friend have a child and how her life has changed as a result of that.

Then the third thing is actually speaking to my partner about it and having him come on board, or at least be open to the idea, cemented it too.

Also, I think it's…my childhood, and my upbringing has resulted in coping mechanisms that I've developed myself. So my biggest worry is…just how much damage you can do to a child. I just didn't like the prospect of that. It's your duty to make sure that they're okay. Once you make that decision, that's it for the rest of your life, you can't take it back.

The other thing…is the state of the environment. The Earth doesn't have resources to support more human beings. We're going to pass away, but they're going to have to live in this environment that we've created for them. That's not the best.”

What were some of the emotions you went through as you made this decision?

“I felt quite inadequate, almost defective. I found myself thinking: is there something wrong with me [because] I don't want children? I know, there's people out there without children, but I feel quite strongly about it, and I worry about disappointing my parents.

And finally, there was the moment that I realised: oh my gosh, just in my circle, I know quite a few people who've decided [they] don't think [they] want kids. And that clearly was a moment of relief for me, because I [thought], my gosh, I'm not alone. 

The relief is probably the biggest emotion, especially when my partner was also on board.”

Having made the decision, how did that change or influence your life, if at all?

“It has been so immensely liberating. Because I feel like I'm not following some kind of this pressure of a biological clock or timeline, where we have to sort ourselves out and have a house and this and that savings. Once a kid comes along, you need to have money for their education and all of that to go. 

And I feel really excited because I see a future with just my partner once we get married. 

But there's also a little bit of fear… once we get to old age, will we be really lonely? But we've started to have discussions around how else we can find that connection and community and purpose.”

Image by Veronika Andrews from Pixabay

A choice, an evolution overtime - in conversation with Shilpa

Shilpa is on a sabbatical after 18+ years in media and tech companies like Google and is a keen traveller and meditator.

Describe the moment when you realised having children was not for you

“I grew up in a fairly traditional and a very loving household. I have a great relationship with my family. So it was a little bit unnatural, because I can't point to an event or a moment or anything traumatic that happened in my life that made me realise that I didn't want children. I feel like it has been an evolution over time.

I got married in my late 20s, so I did have the opportunity to have children if I wanted to. But for me, rationally, it never made sense because I see the sacrifices parents make for their children. I've always been very independent, emotionally independent… from a young age.

Then you get to the emotional side. I know friends that initially were like, ‘We value our life and independence too much,’ but then [their] emotional side took over and the biological clock flipped. That just never flipped for me. I did check in with myself, it's a big decision, every few years to see how I am feeling about it. But by the time I was in my mid 30s, that's when I felt quite confident that wasn't going to be something for me.”

What were some of the emotions you went through as you made this decision?

“I won't say there were any heightened emotions at any point. 

But five to seven years ago, when it became apparent to the world that I'm not going to change my mind, I do think there was this fear of being judged. There were questions that would pop up and implications that there's something wrong with [me] or there's something wrong in [my] marriage. 

The one thing I've realised is that people who judge are going to judge you, no matter what. If you have children, they're going to judge the way you raise your children. So fighting battles was quite easy once I made up my mind.

Beyond that, I've been so fortunate to have a husband that's very understanding. Both sides of my family, my in-laws and my own family have been super respectful of my decision.”

Having made the decision, how did that change or influence your life, if at all?

“There is a perception that I or women [in general] sometimes choose not to have children because it's selfish.

I want to live a free life. I want to travel, I want to be able to … live in different countries. It can come across as frivolous. I've always been fairly ambitious in my life, but I absolutely think that so many women manage careers and having kids beautifully, and I would do too.

It’s made me double down more on figuring out what my purpose in life is, and how not having children helps me move myself closer to my purpose. 

I believe my purpose in life is to connect at the deepest level to myself and my soul and to live life at the most elevated version I can, transcending from worldly attachments. 

It doesn't mean I'm going to go live in a cave. But I'd love to double down on my spiritual growth and progress and reach the highest state I can, so I feel like I've even been truer and more connected to my purpose.”

Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash

Concluding with…

Tara, Mayana and Shilpa have beautifully showcased that much goes into the choice to have or not have children. 

Some may choose to have kids, some may not, some may choose to not have kids and then later decide that they do, and some may remain indecisive.

Whilst the process of deciding can take time, we must be reminded that there is no wrong answer. It is an important decision that needs time and space to be thought through. Conversations need to be had and a sense of empowerment needs to be felt. 

South Asian women come in different flavours and their choices matter. We owe it to ourselves to stop and ask – what path is the right one for me?

* (Not their real name)

Kalpana SK is the parenting content lead at SAARI Collective. She is an author, yoga teacher and sports enthusiast. She loves all things parenting, and has a keen interest in children’s wellbeing - a passion that she attributes to her two beautiful kids. You can follow her work here and on Instagram.