A new Vegemite-flavoured version of India’s iconic Parle-G biscuit has been secretly developed in a joint global venture between Australia’s Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi, and British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. 

A long-time lover of Parle-G, Prime Minister Modi conducted secret meetings with Prime Minister Albanese as part of the new free trade agreement between India and Australia, and in time for the 100 year anniversary of Vegemite later this year.

“Modi is actually a huge fan of vegemite,” an anonymous source close to the Indian prime minister confirmed. “He’s never been able to talk about it, as it doesn’t fit his political agenda.” 

“But with the new free-trade agreement and the millions of jobs coming into the country because of the project, Indians can claim Vegemite for themselves.” 

SAARI’s investigation team obtained an official budget document, with a later-redacted line item that committed $13 million to the development, testing, and production of Vegemite Parle-G. The document states that the biscuit will create 25 million jobs in India alone. 

Prime Minister Albanese’s recent visit to India was advertised as a way for the two countries to continue to discuss economic cooperation, security, education, and a range of other issues. 

But between sitting on parade floats together in cricket stadiums, the two Prime Ministers spent a significant amount of time discussing their secret dream project - the new innovative Vegemite-flavoured biscuit - and later jointly touring the new Vegemite Parle-G factory and conducting taste tests. 

Secret factory tour

A worker in the Parle-G factory, who goes by the name Dishi Dimple, described her induction.

“I was told that I couldn’t take a photo, or take biscuits home, and that I would be forced to taste test all the different Vegemite strength varieties.” 

“It was a living hell. These biscuits make me use so much Neem toothpaste to wash the flavour out of my mouth each night. Why didn’t I just work in a call centre like my friends told me to?” 

She later went on to detail the launch preparations, and how all factory workers were ‘intimidated’ by their bosses and forced to keep quiet about the Prime Minister’s visit to the factory. 

“They threatened to cut a leg off a family member if I told anyone,” Dimple said. 

“The Albanese guy took a bite of the ‘extra Vegemite’ batch and I could see his lips and cheeks squeeze together, and his face scrunched up together at the disgusting biscuits.” 

“I think they are so bad I would not give them to my worst enemy.”  

Dimple decided against repeating Prime Minister Albanese’s comment upon tasting the extra Vegemite biscuit, but said that it was explicit. 

Slipping one to Rishi Sunak

UK’s prime minister Rishi Sunak was overhead preparing lines for a future speech after washing down his Vegemite Parle-Gs with three cups of masala chai in a matka. 

“Parle-G is one of India’s gifts to mankind. It’s the best-selling biscuit in the world. And now there’s an iconic Aussie version. It’s a combo as good as bacon and eggs after a night at the pub.” 

A nearby advisor suggested that most Indians are vegetarian, Muslim Indians don’t eat pig and many Indians don’t drink, and would certainly not have a Parle-G with beer. Prime Minister Sunak nodded and frustratingly took a red pen to his speech notes. 

Dr Baljeet Tjinder, an expert in post-colonial British empire cuisine, told SAARI’s reporter that Prime Minister Sunak’s support is a very delicate matter.  

“Would a Marmite Parle-G taste better? Of course it would! But Rishi Sunak is already rocking the boat by being the first Indian-origin prime minister of the UK. And he’s not known for his boat rocking.” 

Pressure from global powers

A few days after leaving India, Prime Minister Albanese went to the US for an AUKUS meeting with President Joe Biden and Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. SAARI’s investigations team can reveal the real reason for the Aussie PM’s visit to the US was to personally hand Prime Minister Sunak a package of Vegemite Parle-G and to provide a first-hand account of the progress of the factory and the planned global rollout of the new biscuit line. 

British political advisor Pooja “Poo” Maholtra told SAARI’s undercover reporter: “The prime minister is disappointed with the progress thus far. If Albanese doesn’t get things moving, he’s going to send his billionaire wife in.” 

“Don’t make him do that, Tony,”  President Joe Biden reportedly said, after allegedly waking up from a micro-nap. “It won’t end well for you.” 

Prime Minister Albanese confirmed he would redouble his efforts and consult with his advisors Neil and Maya, as he actually had no Indian staff members. 

“Tea is a British invention,” said Prime Minister Sunak, in a rare moment of passion. “I wanted to invent something better than tea.” 

“Tony, what is this behaviour? Don’t be such a tosser. Get Modi to put all these followers to work overtime. His propaganda works, unlike us.”

The anonymous source close to Indian prime minister Narenda Modi said he wanted to begin development in 2021, but then-Australian prime minister Scott Morrison was too busy managing seven ministries. 

More collabs to come?

A spokesperson for Bisconni, the makers of Pakistan’s most loved biscuit snack pack Cocomo, was unavailable for comment. Sources inside Bisconni confirm that Pakistan is not planning to launch a Vegemite-flavoured Cocomo because, according to a source, “that would be f****ing disgusting”. 

A packet of ‘Extra Extra Vegemite’ Parle-G biscuits have been sent to Japanese prime minister Fumio Kishida in what some insiders have called an intimidation tactic. 

“The tyranny of the wasabi Kit-Kat is over,” said Maya, one of Prime Minister Anthony Albanese’s advisors, who is from Melbourne and has travelled to Japan six times, and considers Osaka a “second home”. 

In producing this story, SAARI was contacted by Australia’s security agency ASIO and told that publishing these secrets would breach Australia’s National security. 

Fortunately, SAARI’s lawyer was able to find an “April Fool’s Exemption” in an old legal case. 

Happy April Fools’ Day!

The SAARI Investigation team is an underground reporting unit funded by Crown Collection Danish Butter Cookies. After trying a few too many Vegemite Parle-G, they require urgent medical attention.