Dear Awakened Aunty, 

How to do I tell my Mum to f*** off when she asks me about marriage and meeting eligible bachelors without using swear words or making her mad?

-Mothers driving me mad

Dear Beta,

Ahhhh, the classic tale of overbearing South Asian mothers and marriage talk - I’ve done this dance 1000 times.

Navigating your independence while maintaining peace, harmony and sanity at home is tough. It requires a lot of patience. And sometimes beta, we mothers do need to be told “F*ck off”, just not in those words or with such aggression. 

Much of our culture is all about being ‘perceived’. Looking like we’re doing well and being the epitome of success. Nothing says that as loudly as marriage does. Especially for women. We are taught that our fulfillment is deeply rooted in marriage, children, and nurturing a family.

My mother started the marriage talk with me when I was 16. It was a different time then. But, I imagine, the frustration and exhaustion that comes from dealing with it is exactly the same. It’s like you’re powerless; like you’re not able to speak up and you’re being forced to follow a pre-written narrative. 

There were times I wanted to tell my mum to “Fuck off”. 

I didn’t. 

Out of love, respect (and this internalised pressure to self-sacrifice), I bit my tongue. 

Instead I Iistened to the “Get married soon, or the good matches will slip away!”, "Once you get married, your life will be set” and "Your husband is like a god; serve him and stay happy” talk. 

I followed the blueprint. 

Guess where it lead me? Divorce. 

This experience led me to believe that while it’s important to respect our elders, it’s equally as important to express and advocate for yourself. It sounds like you want independence and exploration. I encourage you to tell your mum that.

Now, it wasn’t easy telling my mum about my divorce.

But, I found a way to do it.

And all without using bad words beta. 

Start by sitting her down. Make her a cup of chai. Validate her. Show her that you understand her worry. Tell her you know she wants the best for you and you appreciate that, but, what is best for you right now is to focus on your health/education/career/hobbies/(fill in the blank). Should that change, or you would like her help in matchmaking, you’ll let her know. 

This shows respect, grace and empathy.

It also sets a firm boundary. 

Patience will be key here. As will consistently reaffirming your message. South Asian mothers have a PhD in persistence. 

Hold firm. 

Hold strong. 

Soon enough, she will get the message, and all without a single use of a “F*ck off”. 

-Aunty 

Trikone Australia is a non-profit, volunteer-led social-support organisation for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex and queer (LGBTIQ+) people of South Asian descent living in Australia.

Awakened Aunty is SAARI's Advice Columnist. Written by a real person, with all the wit and relatable wisdom of the Aunty you wished you always had.